New Year's Resolutions

I didn't plan on having any. New Year's Resolutions, that is. I am fairly satisfied with the way things are in my everyday life. I do have goals for this year though. A few days after the beginning of 2011, I decided I wanted to start blogging about this girl, Avery. The initial reason was two fold: to help me sort out my thoughts and as a way to broach the subject with my wife. She blogs as well and I suppose my hope is that somehow she will run across my blog. Ideally, she will have read all my posts and start to begin to understand my situation and come to me about it, prepared to discuss at length with some compassion and understanding. My anxiety lays in bringing it up to her in person and having the intial shock and her not being able to discuss it with me. Also, I would fear it would become confrontational and I would get defensive, which is never a good way to invoke understanding. I would probably be a babbling idiot too and not be able to say what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. So for those reasons, this is the best measure by which I could come up with. So, if I ever does come to that, please do not address it with me unless you have all of your questions prepared and can do so with compassion and love. If this is not possible, I do understand and let's just go on as if you didn't know. The way we have been when everything else about our relationship is good.
To my wife and other readers, please understand a few things. At this point in my life, I do NOT want to transition or live full time as female. I have a perfectly happy life as a man. I also have a strong feminine side which I express everyday in my interactions, compassion, thought processes and the like. I hope that you realize I am the same person, whether I am wearing sneakers or heels, have short, thinning hair or a long, curly wig. I am the same person! Did you marry me soley on the clothes I wear or because we are soul mates? I can work on the car and fix things around the house with a french manicure and breast forms, the same as I can cook a meal in boxers and a ripped t-shirt. Do you see my point? Also understand, as I mentioned before, that I do not dress for sexual gratification. Nor have I ever been or will ever be unfaithful. What I desire, is for my wife to be a little excited to see Avery. Coming home from work, she finds a pretty girl on the couch in some tasteful sleepwear from VS, brown curly hair, a lovely light scent of purfume and we get to snuggle and enjoy each other while watching some TV before we turn in. A few times a month, we get to spend a day together shopping as girls, commenting and suggesting, then going out to a bar or club in the evening. This is my fantasy.
Avery is a very passable girl, I doubt that anyone would pick up on something out of place in public. Through the help of breast forms and foam padding, I have a very flattering hourglass shape. I have studied women and have mastered how to walk, carry myself, speak and interact as a natural woman. I have become very skilled at applying makeup so that it accentuates facial features and looks natural, not like a drag queen. I have a nice wig that complements my face and modern, youthful, tasteful clothing. I prefer to not dress halfway, but put on acrlyic nails and toenails, rings, necklaces, toerings, earrings and purses and heels that match my outfit. I have never been brave enough to venture outside of my house yet, so I will be interested to see what kind of response I get.
I consider myself transgender because my body is male, but my mind tends to be by definition, female. Lately, I tend to find myself being more emotional and even feeling the urge to cry for no apparent reason. When little things make me weepy, I think to myself, "what the hell, why are you crying about this, knock it off!" My body has changed recently due to rapid weight loss. I have dropped almost half of my excess body weight and have lost practically all muscle mass as well. I feel softer and more female to the touch, which I like. I also have a daily facial routine to prevent any wrinkles, even out and tone my skin and close my pores. It is working quite well. I would really prefer to have a smooth body. But I do have some hair. I can create the illusion of cleavage with a snug fitting bra and body tape which looks very natural but I have chest hair. I keep it trimmed, but my wife freaked out when I shaved it once, so that was kinda depressing. Also depressing is my age, which I mentioned briefly in an earlier post. I'm in my very late 20's and I feel my youth slipping away. The time when a girl looks her best and I can't even get out and flaunt it! I am so jealous of the "girls" who have come out at a young age and have been able to enjoy their youth. I saw a wrinkle the other day and freaked out:(

In summary, one of my goals for this year is to somehow let my wife know about Avery. For better or worse. But of course hopefully for better. But either way at least it will be out in the open. It would be more devastating to not have her find out until we've been married for like, 20 years. This is the only secret I have from my wife. Other than that, I'm an open book and she accepts everything about me. Hopefully later today or soon, I will follow up on the open book to my wife that is my life and share some more about the history of Avery from where I left off in the previous post.

One final thought, before I loose it. If I were ever able to come out completely, I think that I would like to change my career path. I would like to be an advocate for the LGBT community with focus on the transgender community. Making speeches, writing books and newpaper/magazine colunms and collaborate on resources to help make the road a little easier. Now all of this stuff is already out there and there is plenty of it, but it needs to go mainstream and be in the publics face to help them understand what we are all about and that we are not circus freaks or social deviants. I could go on about that and I expect I will, but at least I have it down now and that will help me remember for future posts:)

Hugs and Kisses,
~Ave