Gazing back at me in the mirror I see a beautiful feminine face, makeup freshly applied and a smooth, doll-like complection. As I stare at the image with much pride, I feel it looks very natural. Not because of the way I applied the foundation, or eyeshadow, but because this is the way I was meant to look.
I stand back, smooth out my hot-pink top and my dark wash jeans and take in the whole picture. I see well proportioned curves at my chest, waist and hips. Turning to the side I can see that womanly S-curve that starts at my shoulderblades, down through my waist and around my buttocks. I am quite proud of image I see staring back at me, but it hasn't always been this way and for most of my life, this is not what I have to face every morning.
I have a secret, and it's a biggie. It's said that everyone has secrets, but I look at other people and just have to think, theirs can't possibly be as big as mine. (Narcissistic, I know). They lead normal lives and don't have a dark secret hanging over them. They don't have to feel like if their secret is exposed that their life could be turned upside down or that they would be judged negatively or abandoned by each and every one of their friends, family and associations. At the same time, I want to tell others my secret so bad, that I am becoming subconciously more daring in exposing myself. Though it's guaranteed to be devastating, it would at the same time be a relief. I feel I may be hoping for acceptance as well in revealing my secret.
One of the most difficult things about revealing myself would be having to explain. Because I don't think that I can. That in itself is extremely frustrating. There are plenty of titles out there, but I can't find one that I feel is all encompassing of who I am. I suppose it's best for you that I explain it the way I think others might see me if they knew. I am a crossdresser. But it's so much more than that. A crossdresser is described as someone who wears clothing associated with the opposite gender. That's it. That's all that descibes a crossdresser. By definition, I am a transvestite. But I hate that word. I hate it because it has such a negative connotation. It sounds like a pervert. A hairy old man in a dress. The definition of transvestite is someone who assumes the presentation of the opposite sex. Clothing, appearance, mannerisms, etc. Still, for me it's more than that. The next level in society would be transgender I guess. I do feel female most of the time and my image and mannerisms are starting to express that more often than not. The way I speak, carry myself, sit, smoke. I catch myself promoting a feminine image. It's just the natural way for me, not as if I try. I like typically girly things. I played with dolls as a young boy. Did not like sports or rough play. I like shopping, shoes, purses. I comment on hair, styles and the like. But there are still times, fleeting moments, that I feel masculine. Around my friends, my wife. Watching the men I admire, such as musicians, politicians, celebrities. I actually recognize that I am not like them. I wish I could be though. They are so secure in their gender. I am jealous.
I feel I must clarify a few prejudices that I feel some people may have. I am not flamboyant, like some gay men or drag queens you may know of. I do not dress for sexual gratification. These are attributes that people associate with those like me and while there is nothing wrong with crossdressing for sexual purposes or being flamboyant, that is not me. Do I feel attractive and sexy when I look good? Of course I do. But so does my wife and a lot of other women. That's called self confidence.
Well, I feel my writing abilities have diminished since this post started as I'm beginning to feel distracted. I will tell you more about me, personally in my next post which I hope to get started on soon. I hope you will find this blog insightful and entertaining in the months to come and I welcome you to share it with friends. One of my goals is that this blog will invoke understanding and also offer comfort to others like me in knowing that you are not alone. Negative and postive comments are always welcome.
Hugs and Kisses,
~Ave
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