I didn't plan on having any. New Year's Resolutions, that is. I am fairly satisfied with the way things are in my everyday life. I do have goals for this year though. A few days after the beginning of 2011, I decided I wanted to start blogging about this girl, Avery. The initial reason was two fold: to help me sort out my thoughts and as a way to broach the subject with my wife. She blogs as well and I suppose my hope is that somehow she will run across my blog. Ideally, she will have read all my posts and start to begin to understand my situation and come to me about it, prepared to discuss at length with some compassion and understanding. My anxiety lays in bringing it up to her in person and having the intial shock and her not being able to discuss it with me. Also, I would fear it would become confrontational and I would get defensive, which is never a good way to invoke understanding. I would probably be a babbling idiot too and not be able to say what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. So for those reasons, this is the best measure by which I could come up with. So, if I ever does come to that, please do not address it with me unless you have all of your questions prepared and can do so with compassion and love. If this is not possible, I do understand and let's just go on as if you didn't know. The way we have been when everything else about our relationship is good.
To my wife and other readers, please understand a few things. At this point in my life, I do NOT want to transition or live full time as female. I have a perfectly happy life as a man. I also have a strong feminine side which I express everyday in my interactions, compassion, thought processes and the like. I hope that you realize I am the same person, whether I am wearing sneakers or heels, have short, thinning hair or a long, curly wig. I am the same person! Did you marry me soley on the clothes I wear or because we are soul mates? I can work on the car and fix things around the house with a french manicure and breast forms, the same as I can cook a meal in boxers and a ripped t-shirt. Do you see my point? Also understand, as I mentioned before, that I do not dress for sexual gratification. Nor have I ever been or will ever be unfaithful. What I desire, is for my wife to be a little excited to see Avery. Coming home from work, she finds a pretty girl on the couch in some tasteful sleepwear from VS, brown curly hair, a lovely light scent of purfume and we get to snuggle and enjoy each other while watching some TV before we turn in. A few times a month, we get to spend a day together shopping as girls, commenting and suggesting, then going out to a bar or club in the evening. This is my fantasy.
Avery is a very passable girl, I doubt that anyone would pick up on something out of place in public. Through the help of breast forms and foam padding, I have a very flattering hourglass shape. I have studied women and have mastered how to walk, carry myself, speak and interact as a natural woman. I have become very skilled at applying makeup so that it accentuates facial features and looks natural, not like a drag queen. I have a nice wig that complements my face and modern, youthful, tasteful clothing. I prefer to not dress halfway, but put on acrlyic nails and toenails, rings, necklaces, toerings, earrings and purses and heels that match my outfit. I have never been brave enough to venture outside of my house yet, so I will be interested to see what kind of response I get.
I consider myself transgender because my body is male, but my mind tends to be by definition, female. Lately, I tend to find myself being more emotional and even feeling the urge to cry for no apparent reason. When little things make me weepy, I think to myself, "what the hell, why are you crying about this, knock it off!" My body has changed recently due to rapid weight loss. I have dropped almost half of my excess body weight and have lost practically all muscle mass as well. I feel softer and more female to the touch, which I like. I also have a daily facial routine to prevent any wrinkles, even out and tone my skin and close my pores. It is working quite well. I would really prefer to have a smooth body. But I do have some hair. I can create the illusion of cleavage with a snug fitting bra and body tape which looks very natural but I have chest hair. I keep it trimmed, but my wife freaked out when I shaved it once, so that was kinda depressing. Also depressing is my age, which I mentioned briefly in an earlier post. I'm in my very late 20's and I feel my youth slipping away. The time when a girl looks her best and I can't even get out and flaunt it! I am so jealous of the "girls" who have come out at a young age and have been able to enjoy their youth. I saw a wrinkle the other day and freaked out:(
In summary, one of my goals for this year is to somehow let my wife know about Avery. For better or worse. But of course hopefully for better. But either way at least it will be out in the open. It would be more devastating to not have her find out until we've been married for like, 20 years. This is the only secret I have from my wife. Other than that, I'm an open book and she accepts everything about me. Hopefully later today or soon, I will follow up on the open book to my wife that is my life and share some more about the history of Avery from where I left off in the previous post.
One final thought, before I loose it. If I were ever able to come out completely, I think that I would like to change my career path. I would like to be an advocate for the LGBT community with focus on the transgender community. Making speeches, writing books and newpaper/magazine colunms and collaborate on resources to help make the road a little easier. Now all of this stuff is already out there and there is plenty of it, but it needs to go mainstream and be in the publics face to help them understand what we are all about and that we are not circus freaks or social deviants. I could go on about that and I expect I will, but at least I have it down now and that will help me remember for future posts:)
Hugs and Kisses,
~Ave
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Consuming My Thoughts
Big snow storm supposedly coming our way in the next twenty-four hours. My forty-five minute drive home turned into an hour and forty-five.The entirety of my thoughts on the way home were consumed by the issue at hand. My identity issues. I tuned into the radio to divert my mind, but it's difficult enough when I have fleeting moments to myself when I can focus on my thoughts, but exponentially more so when I have to be in the car alone that long and all I have to worry about is the snow covered interstate. Probably should have had my undivided attention on the road conditions, but living in northern Ohio has dulled my senses to the to the pending danger. I find myself constantly attempting to assess my identity and how I could explain it to others if the need arises. Despite all of my fears about "coming out", I feel that I would be less frightened if I could eloquently describe my reasons. For some silly reason, I think that if I could describe such things , the listener might have an epiphany about crossdressing and transgenderism and think "that makes total sense and I am behind you one hundred percent". Ha, talk about a fantasy world. The problem is, most people I would guess have preconcieved notions, prejudices about what crossdressing is all about. "Oh, he's some sort of sexual deviant" I would presume. I'm not sure why I feel this way, it may be a totally false assumption. Possibly stemming from my upbringing in an essentially right-wing Christian home.
I read on another crossdressers blog, Christian Crossdresser, I believe; where they received a comment from some hater saying that there is something wrong with crossdressers and he wished we would just go to a doctor and get fixed and quit existing in our society. I'm paraphrasing of course, but that was the gist of it. The author goes on to say that a doctor can fix us via HRT or SRS. I would have responded to the comment in a different way: I wish I could be fixed. This is a tortured life, and more so for those girls that have gone many steps further by coming out to their families, trying to stay in the workforce, moving on to gender re-assignment. I couldn't imagine the trials, and I would suspect that most of us wish we didn't have these gender issues. Think about it, wouldn't it be so much easier to not have to deal with this and just be happy with who we are and the way we look. I can hear the detractors now: THEN JUST DEAL WITH IT AND BE HAPPY WITH WHO YOU ARE. Well folks, it's not that easy. I can't explain why it's not. I don't have the answer at this moment. That is what I am seeking. I have purged my crossdressing ways many times over the years with the vow to just quit. It has always come back and I have kicked myself for getting rid of a lot of good stuff, lol! I am a Christian and have prayed relentlessly over it. "Dear Lord, please take this burden away or please show me the direction I must go to break this "habit"." I have prayed in desperation for years to no avail. The feelings have only gotten stronger. I feel I must now take this as a hint, that maybe it is not something that is meant to be taken away. It is part of who I am and I must live with it and learn from it. If this is the case, I have guesses and opinions as to why it is meant to be one of my trials (compassion and understanding for others?). But I will never know I guess until I get to heaven,
Well, in my last and premier blog I promised I will tell you about myself in this one. I wish to remain anonymous at this time for my sake, my wife's sake and my families sake. So I will be as descriptively vague as possible:) I am in my late 20's(which has me a little depressed for reasons I'll share at a later time), I live northern Ohio and I have been married for a few years to a wonderful woman. I can trace my gender issues back to a specific time. Or if this was something I was born with, back to a specific time when they survaced. I was 3 or 4 years old and lived next to a boy who did not grow up in the most nurturing environment. He was my age, but knew far more than I ever did about "adult" things. Even though I was sheltered, he knew more about these "adult" things than practically any kid his age or any 10 year old for that matter. We played in the sandbox and rode bikes, played with toy cars and got into some mischief at his beckoning. One day I suppose, he wanted to play house, and I remember this vividly. He designated me to be the "girl" and instructed me to insert 2 nerf baseballs in my shirt. These would be my boobs. I didn't even know what they were, but I knew that girls had them. He advised that as the girl, I was supposed to perform oral sex on him. Of course he didn't say "oral sex" but I'm trying to keep this a mature as possible. I don't recall feeling as if it were wrong, I guess I didn't know. He then let me know that he we were supposed to engage in anal sex. Again, not the exact words I'm sure. To both of these requests I obliged willingly as the concept of "playing house" interested me much more than playing with cars. Which by the way became the options in the future: "do you want to play cars or house" he would ask. I always wanted to play house. I never remember receiving any sort of stimulation by these acts, I think my body was too young to know the difference. To my memory, this went on half a dozen times at least and we got caught a few times by our parents which quickly made me realize that this was wrong. Though I wasn't sure why. I just knew that I would get scolded. I always wanted to play house though, over doing something else. Girls love to play house don' t they? Just not in the fashion which we played house.
The next time that I remember experimenting with my feminine side, was probably around the age of 12. Trying on Mom's bra's, panties and hose, curious about how they felt I guess. This went on periodically until I was 14 or so. I got caught in Mom's teddy by Dad. I wasn't expecting him home. Mom wasn't around and we had a conversation. He was surprising good about the whole thing. He said didn't understand, but tried to comfort me by saying it looked good on me and telling me about his experience with drugs as a youngster. I was assume that he was trying to say that we all do things that we shouldn't at times. He said Mom didn't know that he had done drugs and if I wouldn't tell her that, he wouldn't tell her this. Thinking back on it, wow, he was really great about the whole thing. Probably the best parenting he did in my whole life. But, foolish boy I was, I didn't run with the opportunity laid before me of a sympathetic parent, I vowed never to do such a thing again. I was totally embarrassed.
My private time is up now, so I must cut short this post. I will be back with more about me shortly. Again, hoping you are finding this blog at least entertaining, but hopefully insightful. Comments of all nature are welcome!
Hugs and Kisses,
~Ave
I read on another crossdressers blog, Christian Crossdresser, I believe; where they received a comment from some hater saying that there is something wrong with crossdressers and he wished we would just go to a doctor and get fixed and quit existing in our society. I'm paraphrasing of course, but that was the gist of it. The author goes on to say that a doctor can fix us via HRT or SRS. I would have responded to the comment in a different way: I wish I could be fixed. This is a tortured life, and more so for those girls that have gone many steps further by coming out to their families, trying to stay in the workforce, moving on to gender re-assignment. I couldn't imagine the trials, and I would suspect that most of us wish we didn't have these gender issues. Think about it, wouldn't it be so much easier to not have to deal with this and just be happy with who we are and the way we look. I can hear the detractors now: THEN JUST DEAL WITH IT AND BE HAPPY WITH WHO YOU ARE. Well folks, it's not that easy. I can't explain why it's not. I don't have the answer at this moment. That is what I am seeking. I have purged my crossdressing ways many times over the years with the vow to just quit. It has always come back and I have kicked myself for getting rid of a lot of good stuff, lol! I am a Christian and have prayed relentlessly over it. "Dear Lord, please take this burden away or please show me the direction I must go to break this "habit"." I have prayed in desperation for years to no avail. The feelings have only gotten stronger. I feel I must now take this as a hint, that maybe it is not something that is meant to be taken away. It is part of who I am and I must live with it and learn from it. If this is the case, I have guesses and opinions as to why it is meant to be one of my trials (compassion and understanding for others?). But I will never know I guess until I get to heaven,
Well, in my last and premier blog I promised I will tell you about myself in this one. I wish to remain anonymous at this time for my sake, my wife's sake and my families sake. So I will be as descriptively vague as possible:) I am in my late 20's(which has me a little depressed for reasons I'll share at a later time), I live northern Ohio and I have been married for a few years to a wonderful woman. I can trace my gender issues back to a specific time. Or if this was something I was born with, back to a specific time when they survaced. I was 3 or 4 years old and lived next to a boy who did not grow up in the most nurturing environment. He was my age, but knew far more than I ever did about "adult" things. Even though I was sheltered, he knew more about these "adult" things than practically any kid his age or any 10 year old for that matter. We played in the sandbox and rode bikes, played with toy cars and got into some mischief at his beckoning. One day I suppose, he wanted to play house, and I remember this vividly. He designated me to be the "girl" and instructed me to insert 2 nerf baseballs in my shirt. These would be my boobs. I didn't even know what they were, but I knew that girls had them. He advised that as the girl, I was supposed to perform oral sex on him. Of course he didn't say "oral sex" but I'm trying to keep this a mature as possible. I don't recall feeling as if it were wrong, I guess I didn't know. He then let me know that he we were supposed to engage in anal sex. Again, not the exact words I'm sure. To both of these requests I obliged willingly as the concept of "playing house" interested me much more than playing with cars. Which by the way became the options in the future: "do you want to play cars or house" he would ask. I always wanted to play house. I never remember receiving any sort of stimulation by these acts, I think my body was too young to know the difference. To my memory, this went on half a dozen times at least and we got caught a few times by our parents which quickly made me realize that this was wrong. Though I wasn't sure why. I just knew that I would get scolded. I always wanted to play house though, over doing something else. Girls love to play house don' t they? Just not in the fashion which we played house.
The next time that I remember experimenting with my feminine side, was probably around the age of 12. Trying on Mom's bra's, panties and hose, curious about how they felt I guess. This went on periodically until I was 14 or so. I got caught in Mom's teddy by Dad. I wasn't expecting him home. Mom wasn't around and we had a conversation. He was surprising good about the whole thing. He said didn't understand, but tried to comfort me by saying it looked good on me and telling me about his experience with drugs as a youngster. I was assume that he was trying to say that we all do things that we shouldn't at times. He said Mom didn't know that he had done drugs and if I wouldn't tell her that, he wouldn't tell her this. Thinking back on it, wow, he was really great about the whole thing. Probably the best parenting he did in my whole life. But, foolish boy I was, I didn't run with the opportunity laid before me of a sympathetic parent, I vowed never to do such a thing again. I was totally embarrassed.
My private time is up now, so I must cut short this post. I will be back with more about me shortly. Again, hoping you are finding this blog at least entertaining, but hopefully insightful. Comments of all nature are welcome!
Hugs and Kisses,
~Ave
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Girl in the Mirror
Gazing back at me in the mirror I see a beautiful feminine face, makeup freshly applied and a smooth, doll-like complection. As I stare at the image with much pride, I feel it looks very natural. Not because of the way I applied the foundation, or eyeshadow, but because this is the way I was meant to look.
I stand back, smooth out my hot-pink top and my dark wash jeans and take in the whole picture. I see well proportioned curves at my chest, waist and hips. Turning to the side I can see that womanly S-curve that starts at my shoulderblades, down through my waist and around my buttocks. I am quite proud of image I see staring back at me, but it hasn't always been this way and for most of my life, this is not what I have to face every morning.
I have a secret, and it's a biggie. It's said that everyone has secrets, but I look at other people and just have to think, theirs can't possibly be as big as mine. (Narcissistic, I know). They lead normal lives and don't have a dark secret hanging over them. They don't have to feel like if their secret is exposed that their life could be turned upside down or that they would be judged negatively or abandoned by each and every one of their friends, family and associations. At the same time, I want to tell others my secret so bad, that I am becoming subconciously more daring in exposing myself. Though it's guaranteed to be devastating, it would at the same time be a relief. I feel I may be hoping for acceptance as well in revealing my secret.
One of the most difficult things about revealing myself would be having to explain. Because I don't think that I can. That in itself is extremely frustrating. There are plenty of titles out there, but I can't find one that I feel is all encompassing of who I am. I suppose it's best for you that I explain it the way I think others might see me if they knew. I am a crossdresser. But it's so much more than that. A crossdresser is described as someone who wears clothing associated with the opposite gender. That's it. That's all that descibes a crossdresser. By definition, I am a transvestite. But I hate that word. I hate it because it has such a negative connotation. It sounds like a pervert. A hairy old man in a dress. The definition of transvestite is someone who assumes the presentation of the opposite sex. Clothing, appearance, mannerisms, etc. Still, for me it's more than that. The next level in society would be transgender I guess. I do feel female most of the time and my image and mannerisms are starting to express that more often than not. The way I speak, carry myself, sit, smoke. I catch myself promoting a feminine image. It's just the natural way for me, not as if I try. I like typically girly things. I played with dolls as a young boy. Did not like sports or rough play. I like shopping, shoes, purses. I comment on hair, styles and the like. But there are still times, fleeting moments, that I feel masculine. Around my friends, my wife. Watching the men I admire, such as musicians, politicians, celebrities. I actually recognize that I am not like them. I wish I could be though. They are so secure in their gender. I am jealous.
I feel I must clarify a few prejudices that I feel some people may have. I am not flamboyant, like some gay men or drag queens you may know of. I do not dress for sexual gratification. These are attributes that people associate with those like me and while there is nothing wrong with crossdressing for sexual purposes or being flamboyant, that is not me. Do I feel attractive and sexy when I look good? Of course I do. But so does my wife and a lot of other women. That's called self confidence.
Well, I feel my writing abilities have diminished since this post started as I'm beginning to feel distracted. I will tell you more about me, personally in my next post which I hope to get started on soon. I hope you will find this blog insightful and entertaining in the months to come and I welcome you to share it with friends. One of my goals is that this blog will invoke understanding and also offer comfort to others like me in knowing that you are not alone. Negative and postive comments are always welcome.
Hugs and Kisses,
~Ave
I stand back, smooth out my hot-pink top and my dark wash jeans and take in the whole picture. I see well proportioned curves at my chest, waist and hips. Turning to the side I can see that womanly S-curve that starts at my shoulderblades, down through my waist and around my buttocks. I am quite proud of image I see staring back at me, but it hasn't always been this way and for most of my life, this is not what I have to face every morning.
I have a secret, and it's a biggie. It's said that everyone has secrets, but I look at other people and just have to think, theirs can't possibly be as big as mine. (Narcissistic, I know). They lead normal lives and don't have a dark secret hanging over them. They don't have to feel like if their secret is exposed that their life could be turned upside down or that they would be judged negatively or abandoned by each and every one of their friends, family and associations. At the same time, I want to tell others my secret so bad, that I am becoming subconciously more daring in exposing myself. Though it's guaranteed to be devastating, it would at the same time be a relief. I feel I may be hoping for acceptance as well in revealing my secret.
One of the most difficult things about revealing myself would be having to explain. Because I don't think that I can. That in itself is extremely frustrating. There are plenty of titles out there, but I can't find one that I feel is all encompassing of who I am. I suppose it's best for you that I explain it the way I think others might see me if they knew. I am a crossdresser. But it's so much more than that. A crossdresser is described as someone who wears clothing associated with the opposite gender. That's it. That's all that descibes a crossdresser. By definition, I am a transvestite. But I hate that word. I hate it because it has such a negative connotation. It sounds like a pervert. A hairy old man in a dress. The definition of transvestite is someone who assumes the presentation of the opposite sex. Clothing, appearance, mannerisms, etc. Still, for me it's more than that. The next level in society would be transgender I guess. I do feel female most of the time and my image and mannerisms are starting to express that more often than not. The way I speak, carry myself, sit, smoke. I catch myself promoting a feminine image. It's just the natural way for me, not as if I try. I like typically girly things. I played with dolls as a young boy. Did not like sports or rough play. I like shopping, shoes, purses. I comment on hair, styles and the like. But there are still times, fleeting moments, that I feel masculine. Around my friends, my wife. Watching the men I admire, such as musicians, politicians, celebrities. I actually recognize that I am not like them. I wish I could be though. They are so secure in their gender. I am jealous.
I feel I must clarify a few prejudices that I feel some people may have. I am not flamboyant, like some gay men or drag queens you may know of. I do not dress for sexual gratification. These are attributes that people associate with those like me and while there is nothing wrong with crossdressing for sexual purposes or being flamboyant, that is not me. Do I feel attractive and sexy when I look good? Of course I do. But so does my wife and a lot of other women. That's called self confidence.
Well, I feel my writing abilities have diminished since this post started as I'm beginning to feel distracted. I will tell you more about me, personally in my next post which I hope to get started on soon. I hope you will find this blog insightful and entertaining in the months to come and I welcome you to share it with friends. One of my goals is that this blog will invoke understanding and also offer comfort to others like me in knowing that you are not alone. Negative and postive comments are always welcome.
Hugs and Kisses,
~Ave
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